I became inured to external reality and simply wanted to remain in a blissful, ecstatic state all the time. “What do external conditions matter?”, I asked myself “When I have all this accessible pleasure and joy inside me?”.
The signs arose that something was up. I didn’t much want to spend time with other people, it was much more joyous to be alone and in silence. I found the company of my worldly friends to be too visceral.
I became depressed. The bliss and joy turned into a pretty melancholy bliss and joy. I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. I wasn’t motivated to work hard in my job, I didn’t particularly want others company etc. Some good things came too – a lot of creativity, artistic inspiration, increase in gentleness and empathy with others. I did a lot of volunteer work to help people during this time, and suddenly became very concerned with the welfare of others.
Then suddenly BAM! I had a huge explosion of ecstatic extroverted energy. Whilst I didn’t stop AYP, I cut down meditation times, and tended to only meditate 3 to 5 times per week instead of twice a day, every day. I’d completely stopped drinking alcohol and I started again. I had fun. I went to parties. Life became a big, ecstatic, extroverted joy-ride, full of activity, instead of a placid, beautiful, peaceful but lonely retreat. I also started working really hard and being very successful at work as a result.
Now the summary of the integration I experienced.
“Sattwa the shining can show the Atman by its pure light: yet sattwa will bind you to search for happiness, longing for knowledge.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:6)
State one (Sattvic): Introverted, interested in transcending reality, very spiritually motivated, calm, peaceful, silent, seeking inner fulfillment, always looking to God, likes to be around spiritual people, artistic, creative. Believing that consciousness is the true reality, material reality is the dream. Loves to be alone. Very empathic and concerned with the welfare of others. Vegetarian diet of mainly raw foods, green smoothies etc. Self effacing. Spends time in spiritual practice and meditation. Exercise was yoga and running. Negate the body and it’s physical appetites.
“Rajas the passionate will make you thirsty for pleasure and possession: rajas will bind you to hunger for action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:7)
State two (Rajasic): Extroverted, interested in sensual pleasure – sex, fun, entertainment, materialistic and working hard for money (in an ethical way), loves to be with friends, practical, down to earth, grounded. Not afraid to put myself first, assert myself, ask for and get what I want. Inclined to be a little selfish. Narcissistic instead of self-effacing. More meat-based diet, eats heavier foods. Exercise was mainly weight lifting and bodybuilding. Active, passionate, loving life, full of ideas and ambitions and dynamic energy. Love the body and it’s physical appetites.
I basically went from 6 months of being extremely Sattvic in my inclinations, basically living a monk-like lifestyle (my friends actually started to call me the monk :D) to plunging into the reverse polarity of being extremely Rajasic for the next 6 months. It was pretty confusing, although I had an awesome time in both modes – particularly the Rajasic one ;-)
When I went into the Rajasic mode, I thought I’d regressed into some kind of “less spiritual state” and I kind of had.
But in retrospect, what was happening was an internal integration of my Rajasic and Sattvic qualities (previously they’d been opposed, my Sattvic side was kind of ashamed of my Rajasic side). But I’ve learned a pertinent lesson, which I feel like describing as it seems that many other people have or will have to undergo this in some way.
Embrace and express all parts of your being. There’s nothing wrong with your dark side, your selfish instincts, your tendency to be angry or cruel, your meanness etc – you should love and integrate these parts of yourself. I know many people on AYP probably already know this, but for me it was a lesson.
If you look around the spiritual world, it seems errors have occurred when people missed this lesson. I was just reading about Swami Kriyananda, for example. I’ve read many of his teachings, and what inspiring teachings they were. Then I found out that: “eight women testified under oath that Kriyananda had used his power as the leader of Ananda to obtain sexual gratification from them when they were in their 20s”.
The experience is a shock, to have been inspired and guided by someone, and regard them lovingly, then learn that they were capable of such despicable behavior. People’s reactions are manifold: to cast the first stone at the Guru. To disregard all the good teachings that came from the Guru. To deny that the Guru did this.
My experiences taught me firstly, if you deny or fail to embrace your shadow-self, your dark-side or your rajasic qualities, it’s expression becomes even more warped and distorted. It strikes me that in the case of S.Kriyananda he constantly took refuge in his Sattvic side and the bliss of meditation, denying his darker human/animal side (he’d taken vows of celibacy), and his darker side came up and caused much more damage than it would have done. If he’d just refused to be a Guru, admitted he was just a regular guy who liked sex, refused vows of celibacy, he’d never have been in a position where he had this grand and pure image, yet he was abusing it (and abusing those women) for sexual gratification. I understand why with his practical wisdom, Yogani shuns Guru status.
I suppose for people who have children and a husband/wife, it really helps to ground them and stop this occurring. But I think there are also a lot of people out there who may not have this grounding influence, and tend to concentrate on their Sattvic side to the exclusion of their Rajasic side. These people can even find themselves being treated as Gurus, when in truth, they may have a great deal to teach, but they are just regular human beings like everyone else. This can lead to some real tragedies. It’s a tragedy if someone rejects the value to be gained from GURU X/Y/Z’s teachings, just because GURU X/Y/Z mistakenly allowed themselves to be elevated to Guru status, only to have a hard fall from this pedestal when it turned out they were just a regular human being with flaws.
So there we go. Hope this resonates with some people. And I wanted to include something interesting I read about the differences between Sattvic and Rajasic.
The source is: http://www.atmajyoti.org/hi_gita_commentary_72.asp
“Sattwa the shining can show the Atman by its pure light: yet sattwa will bind you to search for happiness, longing for knowledge.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:6) This conveys the general idea quite well, but literally the verse is: “Of these, sattwa, free from impurity, illuminating and free from disease, binds by attachment to happiness and by attachment to knowledge.” From this we know that sattwa is free from impurity–from any element that obstructs higher consciousness from functioning on any level. Further, sattwa illuminates the mind and whatever the mind is fixed upon. Understanding and practical knowledge arise naturally in the sattwic mind. Sattwa is free from any defect, either mental or physical. Nevertheless, sattwa is as much an element of bondage as rajas or tamas. It binds us through attachment to happiness and ease of heart and to the pursuit of spiritual wisdom. When these are sought as attributes of the Self, such seeking frees us. But if they are sought under the influence of sattwa, they are sought for their benefits–ultimately for our personal well-being and understanding. The motive is tainted–albeit only as the faintest shadow–by egoic motive. Sattwa, too, must be shed by the ascending spirit. For: “The power of sattwa enslaves the happy.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:9)
“When sattwa prevails over rajas, tamas, man feels that sattwa.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:10) That is, sattwa is a force of positive introversion, of keen awareness of inward states–a condition essential for proficiency in meditation. It is a psychic sensitivity, an awareness of subtler realms of being. This is because sattwa is fundamentally an orientation toward spiritual ascension which results from the dissolving of all lower things. The ultimate sattwa (shuddhasattwa) is a melting away of all that is not spirit.
“When understanding shines in through the senses, the doors of the body: know sattwa is present.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:11) Those in whom sattwa predominate are not bewildered by life and its experiences. Rather, the sattwic person is ever gaining in understanding, being taught by life itself. The sattwic persons SEES in the fullest sense.
“That man who meets death in the hour of sattwa goes to a sinless home among the saints of God.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:14) Being himself a knower, at the time of death he ascends to the pure worlds of those established in the highest consciousness, his state of mind being in harmony with theirs.
“Fruit of the righteous act is sattwa.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:16) Action that increases the quality of sattwa in us is the only truly good action. This is a necessary lesson for us who seek the Highest. For: “Of sattwa, knowledge is born.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:17) And as has been said: “Abiding in sattwa, man goes to higher realms [after death].” (Bhagavad Gita 14:18) But he must abide in sattwa, be established in sattwa, not just having occasional bouts or flashes of sattwa. Sattwa must be a steady condition.
“Rajas the passionate will make you thirsty for pleasure and possession: rajas will bind you to hunger for action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:7) Rajas produces fevered desire in us, whatever the object might be. Fundamentally it makes us crave enjoyment and possession of the objects of enjoyment. It literally addicts us to action–the shackles of rebirth and karma. In sum: “The power of rajas enslaves the doers.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:9) Pity the fool who says: “I am a doer, not a thinker,” who considers himself “a man of action.,” and thinks it is an enviable virtue.
Rajas is a consuming monster, for: “When rajas prevails over sattwa, tamas, man is seized by that rajas.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:10) His will is wiped out, at least for the moment. In the second chapter Arjuna asks: “Krishna, what is it that makes a man do evil, even against his own will; under compulsion, as it were?” (Bhagavad Gita 3:36) And Krishna answers: “The rajoguna has two faces, rage and lust: the ravenous, the deadly: recognize these: they are your enemies.” (Bhagavad Gita 3:37) “In greed, in the heat of action, in eager enterprise, in restlessness, in all desire, know rajas the ruler.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:12) And we are the slaves!
The following are self-explanatory:
#61607; “He who dies in rajas will be reborn among those whose bondage is action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:15)
#61607; “As for the deeds of rajas, pain is their fruit.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:16)
#61607; “Of rajas, greed [is born].” (Bhagavad Gita 14:17)
#61607; “[After death,] remaining in rajas, in this world he remains.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:18)