Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Journal Entry - 15th June

Changes. It’s interesting to review my last blog post and see the desire to sacrifice myself. This shortly preceded an absolutely massive outpouring of extroverted energy, that hasn’t yet stopped. During the preceding two months, I felt like a great deal of attachment/aversion was released. For example, I’m as welcoming of feelings like depression, hurt and anxiety as I am of pleasant feelings like joy and bliss. There’s virtually no desire to control the emotional range I experience. In fact, I pretty much relinquished all desire to control anything in my life at all. I feel like I’ve died and been reborn.

Depression, which used to be a regular feature in my life, has completely gone. There’s rarely a down moment. I feel like the emotional energy level I’m on has gone up 10 notches. All of a sudden, there is this huge passion for life again, which is making itself manifest in being very sociable, really enjoying my job and working very hard, and a total passion for and love of living in the world. The past two months were very ungrounded and I was up in the clouds. This is completely earthy and grounded. Unusual as historically my personality has always been a largely introverted, detached, melancholy type. My main joys have tended to be creativity, painting, exercising, reading, writing or spending time with very close friends.

My practice has become a little less regular in truth. Meditation for more than a few minutes seems to cause huge surges of blissful energy. I meditate for more than say 4 minutes, as I become very bad tempered and withdrawn during the day if I do. Current routine is pranayama (2 to 4 breaths), breath watching meditation (3 minutes). This is once a day.

It feels like enough for now. A lot of my actions currently feel automatic, it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone doing them. For some reason, I don’t feel inclined to be disciplined at all at this stage. Everything seems very easy and free-flowing.

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