Journal Entry - 15th June

Changes. It’s interesting to review my last blog post and see the desire to sacrifice myself. This shortly preceded an absolutely massive outpouring of extroverted energy, that hasn’t yet stopped. During the preceding two months, I felt like a great deal of attachment/aversion was released. For example, I’m as welcoming of feelings like depression, hurt and anxiety as I am of pleasant feelings like joy and bliss. There’s virtually no desire to control the emotional range I experience. In fact, I pretty much relinquished all desire to control anything in my life at all. I feel like I’ve died and been reborn.


Depression, which used to be a regular feature in my life, has completely gone. There’s rarely a down moment. I feel like the emotional energy level I’m on has gone up 10 notches. All of a sudden, there is this huge passion for life again, which is making itself manifest in being very sociable, really enjoying my job and working very hard, and a total passion for and love of living in the world. The past two months were very ungrounded and I was up in the clouds. This is completely earthy and grounded. Unusual as historically my personality has always been a largely introverted, detached, melancholy type. My main joys have tended to be creativity, painting, exercising, reading, writing or spending time with very close friends.

My practice has become a little less regular in truth. Meditation for more than a few minutes seems to cause huge surges of blissful energy. I meditate for more than say 4 minutes, as I become very bad tempered and withdrawn during the day if I do. Current routine is pranayama (2 to 4 breaths), breath watching meditation (3 minutes). This is once a day.

It feels like enough for now. A lot of my actions currently feel automatic, it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone doing them. For some reason, I don’t feel inclined to be disciplined at all at this stage. Everything seems very easy and free-flowing.

Journal Entry - 29th April

Meditation is becoming a love affair. Today I woke at sunrise, and read a few pages related to sacrifice in the Bhagavad Gita. To sacrifice one’s own spark of a soul into God’s fire. I feel the desire to sacrifice myself, as though sacrificing myself for a loved one. I rise, wash, stretch, kneel for pranayama and then enter meditation. Or meditation enters me. There is love, bliss abundant. Then I lie resting, stunned and joyous, listening to the spring morning’s birdsong as sunlight filters through my window.

Journal Entry - 25th April

Crystal clarity as each of my perceptions is blissfully alive. I’m resting in a deep silence, intoxicated with peace. I’m stepping off the bus and walking down 5th avenue, it’s a cool, dry morning and the sky is blanketed with a layer of cloud. Christine passes through my mind, I see her face, and love rises in my heart like an electrical current. I feel my eyes moisten. There is a sadness there, a knowledge that this may not be forever.


There seems to be less and less in my mind these days. It’s as though all the background noise and subconscious waste is being emptied, and each moment is clearer.

Journal Entry - 24th April

I am reading Paths to God : Living the Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass. On reading Ram Dass recall a story about his Guru, Maharajji, an immense indeterminate longing arises within me. The feeling contains a deep, heart-rending longing for liberation, an a sublime ecstatic knowledge that “Yes! It is possible for this liberation to occur!”. It’s a powerful current, rippling through my whole body. I want to open my heart to God and prostrate myself upon the floor, in wordless prayer.


As I look up, on some level I am seeing Ram Dass before me. He is there and he is not. Tears flow, and somehow I feel ashamed, unworthy. I know I have done regrettable things in my life, and my heart is wide open for all to see. There is great release with the tears, they begin flowing unstoppably, and I am sobbing in ecstasy, shame and longing. Pouring out my heart with all its contents, sublime and despicable.

After this, I see Ram Dass one more time, and this time, I feel a radiant warmth in my heart, which precedes deep peace and silence within me.

This too shall pass

‎"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." --Rabindranath Tagor


He once resisted his emotions

He longed for happiness

He clung to it

Storms arose in his heart

He longed for happiness

He resisted them

Now the sky is beautiful

Whether a storm is passing

Or the sun shines resplendent

He no longer cares.

Journal Entry - 17th April

Experiences: I slept extremely poorly on Friday night after drinking a smoothie with a lot of coffee in it. The next day I went to Essential Therapy to spend a few hours in the steam room, and then doing yoga in the sauna. It rained heavily. I experienced great feelings of bliss, but also some sense of overload. I went for a long jog in the rain which helped. On sunday, I felt very happy. But I began to feel disatisfied with my use of time. I stayed inside for a good chunk of the day playing computer games. It felt like a waste of time.

Adversities and challenges: I felt a great deal of negative emotions coming to the surface as a result of intense meditation. I relaxed and allowed myself to feel these fully. I felt an anger against an individual who rudely asked me to leave a gratuity. I walked out and did not return, but found my anger melting into love, and wishing her well, as I explained to her in my mind, without anger, why I felt her service was poor and my reason for not leaving a gratuity. It was a slight epiphany as I realised you can be strong and assertive, behaving as you see fit, not always as others want you to behave, but in a way that is still loving and kind. Final adversity was the slight sense of poor time use due to playing computer games for hours. In response to this I meditation asking for guidance, and the idea of beginning this journal arose.

Attachment and Suffering

"Everytime you are unhappy you have added something to reality" - Anthony Mello.

I have noticed that every time I am unhappy, there is some desire, some attachment, which is not being fulfilled. I willingly allow the entire experience of unhappiness, including my frustrated desire to be happy. Given time, and compassionate awareness, soon the unhappiness fades, leaving behind the realisation that it was my desire or attachment itself that caused the unhappiness, not the external circumstance which precipitated it.