End of Blog

This project is over for now.

After my third time through The Presence Process I haven't felt called to do it again.

The third time precipitated a kind of non-dual realization. Whilst doing the breathing exercises in TPP initially the sense of a "me" who was "doing the breathing exercises" started to disappear, and instead I came to know myself as non-dual awareness, the witness of experience.

That's the simplest way of describing it. I cycled on and off through this experience for several months, with deep bliss accompanying it.

There's still a need for on-going spiritual practices and so I continue on my journey. If you'd like to discuss TPP etc, or want to meet up in NYC some time, welcome to contact me.

Love,

Josh

The Presence Process: Third Time Through

22^nd May. 2012.

I'm on my 3rd time through Michael Brown's The Presence Process. This takes us deeply into the Now. This is not an idealistic mental concept of the Now as a place of peace, ease and total contentment (this seems to be what is sold by much of the Now-centred New Age literature) but instead it takes you out of mental concepts of the Now, out of trying to "achieve" this elusive state of cessation of all painful emotions, away from reactive behavior designed to control experiences by seeking to avoid or achieve something by externally focused action, and into simple, unconditional non-doing and embracing of whatever is occurring right now. That means just simply bringing unconditional awareness to whatever is happening, even it's very painful and unpleasant.

It's an end to goal-seeking, an end to running after mental ideas of enlightenment, an end to seeking some sort of experience that is "better" than what is taking place Now. Instead of seeking something else, we turn around and face what is, cease attempting to change the images on the screen of awareness with external behavior, cease attempting to control and sedate the inner experiences (thoughts and emotions) with drugs, alcohol, "bliss-seeking spiritual practices", positive thinking or visualization, instead just allowing awareness to deeply permeate what is taking place.

This frees us from the very identification with ourselves as a Doer, or Ego, who is suffering from these experiences and needs to take action to change them. It also results in a growing inner strength and emotional maturity.

What is emerging?

There are a series of memories: mainly comprised of visual images, sounds, emotions. This is what I’d call “my life story”, it’s the ego’s definition of What’s Happened to Me.

Then there are a series of thoughts, beliefs and mainly fear-based emotions. This is the ego’s “personal context” given to the experiences that arise within awareness. It’s largely thought, which sews together that sense perceptions and emotions that arise within awareness, giving them meaning, and proposing courses of action. For example, I’m on my 3^rd time through the Presence Process and have lost all desire to act and to work. This often occurs during the process for a time. The ego believes “I am doing the Presence Process and this is happening to me”. But is there really an I who is doing the process? There is definitely an inclusion of the Presence Process in a series of perceptions that arise within awareness, but it’s hard to find a real me who is doing it. The ego is also providing a fearful personal context: “I am a human being called Josh, and I have my life and my income to think about. What if I fail to achieve my financial goals as a result of going through this process? What if my career suffers and I don’t do so well?”. The sub-context of belief is in having to maintain and control the life experience, by outward action, so the experiences that occur are in line with what the ego wants to experience. But the truth is, outward action with the goal of improving the life experiences is always based on an imaginary projection of what the future will be like, and when arrived at, I find only the Now, and nothing has really changed.

As I’m proceeding through this process for the 3^rd time, a lot has changed. There have been experiences of recognizing all perceptible objects (including internal objects such as bodily sensations, thoughts, and beliefs such as “I am a body”) as arising within awareness. This is an experience where it is noticed that even the belief and perspective: I am a body, perceiving an external world is simply a perception arising within awareness.

So the ego is still pretty active, it’s doing its thing, tying together experiences with a personal context and self-referencing, and identifying with the body. But there is now awareness of this as a perception arising within awareness. I’m not completely hypnotized into believing I am a human body who has to act and react in the world, seeking to control experiences so they fit in with my personal agenda. Gradually the personal agenda is being let go, and I’m sinking into the Now, and into the Witness, who is compassionately present with and aware of experience, but does not seek to change it.

This existence of ours

Integrating Sattvic and Rajasic Qualities

When AYP awakened ecstatic bliss and joy inside me, that was it. I’d found an internal source of fulfillment which I’d always been unconsciously seeking.

I became inured to external reality and simply wanted to remain in a blissful, ecstatic state all the time. “What do external conditions matter?”, I asked myself “When I have all this accessible pleasure and joy inside me?”.

The signs arose that something was up. I didn’t much want to spend time with other people, it was much more joyous to be alone and in silence. I found the company of my worldly friends to be too visceral.

I became depressed. The bliss and joy turned into a pretty melancholy bliss and joy. I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. I wasn’t motivated to work hard in my job, I didn’t particularly want others company etc. Some good things came too – a lot of creativity, artistic inspiration, increase in gentleness and empathy with others. I did a lot of volunteer work to help people during this time, and suddenly became very concerned with the welfare of others.

Then suddenly BAM! I had a huge explosion of ecstatic extroverted energy. Whilst I didn’t stop AYP, I cut down meditation times, and tended to only meditate 3 to 5 times per week instead of twice a day, every day. I’d completely stopped drinking alcohol and I started again. I had fun. I went to parties. Life became a big, ecstatic, extroverted joy-ride, full of activity, instead of a placid, beautiful, peaceful but lonely retreat. I also started working really hard and being very successful at work as a result.

Now the summary of the integration I experienced.

“Sattwa the shining can show the Atman by its pure light: yet sattwa will bind you to search for happiness, longing for knowledge.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:6)

State one (Sattvic): Introverted, interested in transcending reality, very spiritually motivated, calm, peaceful, silent, seeking inner fulfillment, always looking to God, likes to be around spiritual people, artistic, creative. Believing that consciousness is the true reality, material reality is the dream. Loves to be alone. Very empathic and concerned with the welfare of others. Vegetarian diet of mainly raw foods, green smoothies etc. Self effacing. Spends time in spiritual practice and meditation. Exercise was yoga and running. Negate the body and it’s physical appetites.

“Rajas the passionate will make you thirsty for pleasure and possession: rajas will bind you to hunger for action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:7)

State two (Rajasic): Extroverted, interested in sensual pleasure – sex, fun, entertainment, materialistic and working hard for money (in an ethical way), loves to be with friends, practical, down to earth, grounded. Not afraid to put myself first, assert myself, ask for and get what I want. Inclined to be a little selfish. Narcissistic instead of self-effacing. More meat-based diet, eats heavier foods. Exercise was mainly weight lifting and bodybuilding. Active, passionate, loving life, full of ideas and ambitions and dynamic energy. Love the body and it’s physical appetites.

I basically went from 6 months of being extremely Sattvic in my inclinations, basically living a monk-like lifestyle (my friends actually started to call me the monk :D) to plunging into the reverse polarity of being extremely Rajasic for the next 6 months. It was pretty confusing, although I had an awesome time in both modes – particularly the Rajasic one ;-)

When I went into the Rajasic mode, I thought I’d regressed into some kind of “less spiritual state” and I kind of had.

But in retrospect, what was happening was an internal integration of my Rajasic and Sattvic qualities (previously they’d been opposed, my Sattvic side was kind of ashamed of my Rajasic side). But I’ve learned a pertinent lesson, which I feel like describing as it seems that many other people have or will have to undergo this in some way.

Embrace and express all parts of your being. There’s nothing wrong with your dark side, your selfish instincts, your tendency to be angry or cruel, your meanness etc – you should love and integrate these parts of yourself. I know many people on AYP probably already know this, but for me it was a lesson.

If you look around the spiritual world, it seems errors have occurred when people missed this lesson. I was just reading about Swami Kriyananda, for example. I’ve read many of his teachings, and what inspiring teachings they were. Then I found out that: “eight women testified under oath that Kriyananda had used his power as the leader of Ananda to obtain sexual gratification from them when they were in their 20s”.

The experience is a shock, to have been inspired and guided by someone, and regard them lovingly, then learn that they were capable of such despicable behavior. People’s reactions are manifold: to cast the first stone at the Guru. To disregard all the good teachings that came from the Guru. To deny that the Guru did this.

My experiences taught me firstly, if you deny or fail to embrace your shadow-self, your dark-side or your rajasic qualities, it’s expression becomes even more warped and distorted. It strikes me that in the case of S.Kriyananda he constantly took refuge in his Sattvic side and the bliss of meditation, denying his darker human/animal side (he’d taken vows of celibacy), and his darker side came up and caused much more damage than it would have done. If he’d just refused to be a Guru, admitted he was just a regular guy who liked sex, refused vows of celibacy, he’d never have been in a position where he had this grand and pure image, yet he was abusing it (and abusing those women) for sexual gratification. I understand why with his practical wisdom, Yogani shuns Guru status.

I suppose for people who have children and a husband/wife, it really helps to ground them and stop this occurring. But I think there are also a lot of people out there who may not have this grounding influence, and tend to concentrate on their Sattvic side to the exclusion of their Rajasic side. These people can even find themselves being treated as Gurus, when in truth, they may have a great deal to teach, but they are just regular human beings like everyone else. This can lead to some real tragedies. It’s a tragedy if someone rejects the value to be gained from GURU X/Y/Z’s teachings, just because GURU X/Y/Z mistakenly allowed themselves to be elevated to Guru status, only to have a hard fall from this pedestal when it turned out they were just a regular human being with flaws.

So there we go. Hope this resonates with some people. And I wanted to include something interesting I read about the differences between Sattvic and Rajasic.

The source is: http://www.atmajyoti.org/hi_gita_commentary_72.asp

Sattwa

“Sattwa the shining can show the Atman by its pure light: yet sattwa will bind you to search for happiness, longing for knowledge.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:6) This conveys the general idea quite well, but literally the verse is: “Of these, sattwa, free from impurity, illuminating and free from disease, binds by attachment to happiness and by attachment to knowledge.” From this we know that sattwa is free from impurity–from any element that obstructs higher consciousness from functioning on any level. Further, sattwa illuminates the mind and whatever the mind is fixed upon. Understanding and practical knowledge arise naturally in the sattwic mind. Sattwa is free from any defect, either mental or physical. Nevertheless, sattwa is as much an element of bondage as rajas or tamas. It binds us through attachment to happiness and ease of heart and to the pursuit of spiritual wisdom. When these are sought as attributes of the Self, such seeking frees us. But if they are sought under the influence of sattwa, they are sought for their benefits–ultimately for our personal well-being and understanding. The motive is tainted–albeit only as the faintest shadow–by egoic motive. Sattwa, too, must be shed by the ascending spirit. For: “The power of sattwa enslaves the happy.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:9)
“When sattwa prevails over rajas, tamas, man feels that sattwa.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:10) That is, sattwa is a force of positive introversion, of keen awareness of inward states–a condition essential for proficiency in meditation. It is a psychic sensitivity, an awareness of subtler realms of being. This is because sattwa is fundamentally an orientation toward spiritual ascension which results from the dissolving of all lower things. The ultimate sattwa (shuddhasattwa) is a melting away of all that is not spirit.
“When understanding shines in through the senses, the doors of the body: know sattwa is present.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:11) Those in whom sattwa predominate are not bewildered by life and its experiences. Rather, the sattwic person is ever gaining in understanding, being taught by life itself. The sattwic persons SEES in the fullest sense.
“That man who meets death in the hour of sattwa goes to a sinless home among the saints of God.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:14) Being himself a knower, at the time of death he ascends to the pure worlds of those established in the highest consciousness, his state of mind being in harmony with theirs.
“Fruit of the righteous act is sattwa.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:16) Action that increases the quality of sattwa in us is the only truly good action. This is a necessary lesson for us who seek the Highest. For: “Of sattwa, knowledge is born.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:17) And as has been said: “Abiding in sattwa, man goes to higher realms [after death].” (Bhagavad Gita 14:18) But he must abide in sattwa, be established in sattwa, not just having occasional bouts or flashes of sattwa. Sattwa must be a steady condition.

Rajas

“Rajas the passionate will make you thirsty for pleasure and possession: rajas will bind you to hunger for action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:7) Rajas produces fevered desire in us, whatever the object might be. Fundamentally it makes us crave enjoyment and possession of the objects of enjoyment. It literally addicts us to action–the shackles of rebirth and karma. In sum: “The power of rajas enslaves the doers.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:9) Pity the fool who says: “I am a doer, not a thinker,” who considers himself “a man of action.,” and thinks it is an enviable virtue.

Rajas is a consuming monster, for: “When rajas prevails over sattwa, tamas, man is seized by that rajas.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:10) His will is wiped out, at least for the moment. In the second chapter Arjuna asks: “Krishna, what is it that makes a man do evil, even against his own will; under compulsion, as it were?” (Bhagavad Gita 3:36) And Krishna answers: “The rajoguna has two faces, rage and lust: the ravenous, the deadly: recognize these: they are your enemies.” (Bhagavad Gita 3:37) “In greed, in the heat of action, in eager enterprise, in restlessness, in all desire, know rajas the ruler.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:12) And we are the slaves!
The following are self-explanatory:
#61607; “He who dies in rajas will be reborn among those whose bondage is action.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:15)
#61607; “As for the deeds of rajas, pain is their fruit.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:16)
#61607; “Of rajas, greed [is born].” (Bhagavad Gita 14:17)
#61607; “[After death,] remaining in rajas, in this world he remains.” (Bhagavad Gita 14:18)

Breaking identification with desire

I’ve recently begun to experience a falling away of downward desires. In yoga there is the concept of downward and upward flow of energy. Love, selfless desire to help others, faith and meditation (for example) cause upward flow of energy, to the crown and third eye chakra. Lust, desire for material possessions, selfishness and egotism (for example) cause downward flow energy. The upward flow leads to liberation from suffering, spiritual awakening and enlightenment. The downward flow, to sense fulfillment, perpetuation of suffering, and attachment / bondage.


Spiritual practice is simply the process of gradually re-directing the energy flow upwards. As the direction of energy flow changes, spiritual transformation begins to occur automatically. Using the pranayama and deep meditation routine from www.aypsite.org rapidly increased the speed of this energy re-direction. As this routine awakened the surging of ecstatic and blissful feelings within me, automatic and natural changes started to happen. I felt a real desire, on a regular basis, to help and serve people and began to do so by volunteering and in more spontaneous ways. There was a great movement from wanting to control reality to surrendering to what is.

This was a blissful experience of expansion. After a while though, the expansion reached a plateau. In fact, my spiritual practice started to feel kind of fraudulent. There was this great rise of ecstatic blissful energy, freedom from attachment, and a loving desire for service. On other hand, I still had some pretty narcissistic tendencies. I still felt strong lust and sexual desire, that felt divorced from a loving sexuality. I had a big desire for acceptance and approval from others. I would still desire to get drunk and feel highs. The desire to “have it easy” (i.e. serve myself) was stronger than the desire to serve others. Ultimately, my desire for liberation from suffering started to feel like just another facet of my total selfishness. There was my ego sitting around saying “I am doing all these spiritual practices, and it’s giving me all this pleasure, yes, keep it coming. I’ll be a more exalted version of my former self.”

All this selfishness, desire, lust, vanity and downward flow of energy began to feel really uncomfortable. Particularly when compared with the calm purity of upward flowing ecstatic bliss. I tried self-denial for a while: i.e. having a mental (egoic) concept of how I should be all good and pure, and trying to discipline myself to act in accordance with it. That really just results in suppression. But I continued my spiritual practice anyway, and just experienced this uncomfortable phase of really looking at myself honestly, and not liking what I saw. I wanted to be different, but somehow knew self-discipline (forcing myself to match an ideal) wasn’t going to affect any permanent transformation.

Then something started to happen, particularly when the Bhagavad Gita came into my life. There was a compulsion to explore it. “Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita” by Ram Dass turned up and had a particularly transformative affect. A strong desire occurred to do more than just meditation and pranayama, to find a way of turning every single second of every day into a spiritual practice. A compulsion to pray regularly automatically happened. The prayers tend to be asking God to show me how to surrender to his will, instead of seeking to control through my ego. Just enough courage to open my heart to God arose, inviting him to look inside me and see what I was ashamed of. I’ve had some very personal experiences of feeling the presence of Ram Dass in my life, which turned out to be moments of opening.

The recently, and at an accelerated pace of the last few days, the downward desires have started to fall away. I started to look at each desire, and to just become aware of the cycles of suffering they would create. There’s been a dissolving of the self-image. You know: there can be a good day for the self-image, people are responding to you well, you feel like you’re so great. Feeling great about some imaginary self-concept started to feel superficial and uncomfortable, and began to drop off. Then there’s a bad day, people don’t respond well, you feel low about yourself. As there’s much less identification with self-image, the bad days stop too. No ups and downs, just a peaceful ecstatic bliss. Desire to drink or use external substances to tamper with my emotional state has dropped away. Finally some humility in my life, if only a little bit! Many thanks to my girlfriend for that, who unfailingly points it out when I’m being arrogant!

There’s a long road ahead, but this has been a wonderful opening and so I wanted to share.

Journal Entry - 18th August

Deep peace today. I feel permeable, as though life is a stream flowing through me and out of me. All the time there’s this vast activity, I’m in Manhattan, surrounded by a cacophony of sirens and horns, frenetic activity, but it’s all taking place within a vast ocean of silence. If you can imagine taking a television to the most remote mountain region in the world, covered in a blanket of snow, silent for thousands of miles, and turning on the television in this silence. That is the perspective. I am the silence within which this activity occurs.


The past few weeks have been interesting. Almost all forms of meditation (breath-watching, AYP etc) soon followed by depression, and an inability to do anything constructive. In fact, since late December 2010, continuous periods of meditation for more than a week or so would turn me into a complete mess. There’s just a mournful melancholy, which can be beautiful. This is termed ‘overload’ by AYP – too much meditation causing excessive purification, too much for you to integrate. However, as soon as I desist meditation, there is great joy, vast peacefulness and silence. I am reborn each time. Undoubtedly meditation is causing this effect (in combination with much talking to God, praying and bhakti).

I’m learning what uniquely works for me in terms of self-pacing. I find having ‘days off’ from meditation – once or twice a week, is remarkably useful (in fact it is the only way I can continue to meditate without suffering states of intense confusion and despair). During these days off, I become very grounded and highly effective at work again. I also get to experience the fruits of my labour: I feel like I’ve been cleaned out from the inside, and as light and happy as air.

Journal Entry - 9th August

I didn’t update my journal for some time. From January to May this year, I’d lived a considerably ascetic lifestyle. I’d been living in complete retreat from the world: not desiring anything with it, and finding most of my enjoyment in my spiritual practices. I became very introverted and wanted to spend much of my time alone. My diet had been highly sattvic: large quantities of raw, fresh fruits and vegetables, vegetable juices, smoothies with nuts and nut butters for additional calories.


From May to July, there was a huge surge of extroverted energy. Suddenly, I seemed to be living by the words: Eat, Drink and Be Merry! I’m afraid this lead to some excess. I drank a lot of alcohol. I smoked some cigarettes. My diet became more rajasic. Wordly desires arose. There was also a strong resurgence of some of my more pronounced negative egoic qualities. Yet beneath this, was much ecstasy, and acceptance of this side of myself, instead of attempting to control or deny it. I allowed it to enjoy itself. I was not born a saint, and violently judging myself for failing to always meet my highest ideals seems only to cause suffering.

This shift also corrected some imbalances. Where I’d been cold and detached in my relationships, I found myself becoming warm and loving. Where I’d been reclusive and introverted, I became sociable and fun. The long depression I’d suffered from January to May completely abated. I released a great deal of attachment, allowing things to be as they are, instead of forcing my ideals upon them. I became hard-working and had successful results in my career, where before I’d had difficulty motivating myself. My melancholy longing for enlightenment became transformed into non-attached love and acceptance of life as it is.

By mid-July, this excessive extroverted energy had died down. I’ve found I can resume my AYP routine (5 mins SBP, 15-20 mins DM) without overloading. Very strong desire for liberation is with me through each day. I read Nisargadatta Maharaj. My diet has naturally become very sattvic again.

I’ve left this experience having learned some important lessons. Particularly:

I’ve learned to stop looking outward for advice. Instead, if I have a question, I look within, and ask myself. The answers often come in a flash of inspiration. It’s a much better way to solve problems than reading other peoples advice.

I’ve come out with an enhanced awareness of my flaws that keep me trapped in suffering and egoity. Seeing the flaws is the first step towards releasing them.

Journal Entry - 15th June

Changes. It’s interesting to review my last blog post and see the desire to sacrifice myself. This shortly preceded an absolutely massive outpouring of extroverted energy, that hasn’t yet stopped. During the preceding two months, I felt like a great deal of attachment/aversion was released. For example, I’m as welcoming of feelings like depression, hurt and anxiety as I am of pleasant feelings like joy and bliss. There’s virtually no desire to control the emotional range I experience. In fact, I pretty much relinquished all desire to control anything in my life at all. I feel like I’ve died and been reborn.


Depression, which used to be a regular feature in my life, has completely gone. There’s rarely a down moment. I feel like the emotional energy level I’m on has gone up 10 notches. All of a sudden, there is this huge passion for life again, which is making itself manifest in being very sociable, really enjoying my job and working very hard, and a total passion for and love of living in the world. The past two months were very ungrounded and I was up in the clouds. This is completely earthy and grounded. Unusual as historically my personality has always been a largely introverted, detached, melancholy type. My main joys have tended to be creativity, painting, exercising, reading, writing or spending time with very close friends.

My practice has become a little less regular in truth. Meditation for more than a few minutes seems to cause huge surges of blissful energy. I meditate for more than say 4 minutes, as I become very bad tempered and withdrawn during the day if I do. Current routine is pranayama (2 to 4 breaths), breath watching meditation (3 minutes). This is once a day.

It feels like enough for now. A lot of my actions currently feel automatic, it doesn’t seem like there’s anyone doing them. For some reason, I don’t feel inclined to be disciplined at all at this stage. Everything seems very easy and free-flowing.

Journal Entry - 29th April

Meditation is becoming a love affair. Today I woke at sunrise, and read a few pages related to sacrifice in the Bhagavad Gita. To sacrifice one’s own spark of a soul into God’s fire. I feel the desire to sacrifice myself, as though sacrificing myself for a loved one. I rise, wash, stretch, kneel for pranayama and then enter meditation. Or meditation enters me. There is love, bliss abundant. Then I lie resting, stunned and joyous, listening to the spring morning’s birdsong as sunlight filters through my window.

Journal Entry - 25th April

Crystal clarity as each of my perceptions is blissfully alive. I’m resting in a deep silence, intoxicated with peace. I’m stepping off the bus and walking down 5th avenue, it’s a cool, dry morning and the sky is blanketed with a layer of cloud. Christine passes through my mind, I see her face, and love rises in my heart like an electrical current. I feel my eyes moisten. There is a sadness there, a knowledge that this may not be forever.


There seems to be less and less in my mind these days. It’s as though all the background noise and subconscious waste is being emptied, and each moment is clearer.

Journal Entry - 24th April

I am reading Paths to God : Living the Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass. On reading Ram Dass recall a story about his Guru, Maharajji, an immense indeterminate longing arises within me. The feeling contains a deep, heart-rending longing for liberation, an a sublime ecstatic knowledge that “Yes! It is possible for this liberation to occur!”. It’s a powerful current, rippling through my whole body. I want to open my heart to God and prostrate myself upon the floor, in wordless prayer.


As I look up, on some level I am seeing Ram Dass before me. He is there and he is not. Tears flow, and somehow I feel ashamed, unworthy. I know I have done regrettable things in my life, and my heart is wide open for all to see. There is great release with the tears, they begin flowing unstoppably, and I am sobbing in ecstasy, shame and longing. Pouring out my heart with all its contents, sublime and despicable.

After this, I see Ram Dass one more time, and this time, I feel a radiant warmth in my heart, which precedes deep peace and silence within me.

This too shall pass

‎"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." --Rabindranath Tagor


He once resisted his emotions

He longed for happiness

He clung to it

Storms arose in his heart

He longed for happiness

He resisted them

Now the sky is beautiful

Whether a storm is passing

Or the sun shines resplendent

He no longer cares.

Journal Entry - 17th April

Experiences: I slept extremely poorly on Friday night after drinking a smoothie with a lot of coffee in it. The next day I went to Essential Therapy to spend a few hours in the steam room, and then doing yoga in the sauna. It rained heavily. I experienced great feelings of bliss, but also some sense of overload. I went for a long jog in the rain which helped. On sunday, I felt very happy. But I began to feel disatisfied with my use of time. I stayed inside for a good chunk of the day playing computer games. It felt like a waste of time.

Adversities and challenges: I felt a great deal of negative emotions coming to the surface as a result of intense meditation. I relaxed and allowed myself to feel these fully. I felt an anger against an individual who rudely asked me to leave a gratuity. I walked out and did not return, but found my anger melting into love, and wishing her well, as I explained to her in my mind, without anger, why I felt her service was poor and my reason for not leaving a gratuity. It was a slight epiphany as I realised you can be strong and assertive, behaving as you see fit, not always as others want you to behave, but in a way that is still loving and kind. Final adversity was the slight sense of poor time use due to playing computer games for hours. In response to this I meditation asking for guidance, and the idea of beginning this journal arose.

Attachment and Suffering

"Everytime you are unhappy you have added something to reality" - Anthony Mello.

I have noticed that every time I am unhappy, there is some desire, some attachment, which is not being fulfilled. I willingly allow the entire experience of unhappiness, including my frustrated desire to be happy. Given time, and compassionate awareness, soon the unhappiness fades, leaving behind the realisation that it was my desire or attachment itself that caused the unhappiness, not the external circumstance which precipitated it.

Techniques for Spiritual Transformation

Spiritual Transformation

Practises to aid and accelerate spiritual transformation. They key to all these practises is consistency to take what you read here, and work out how you will integrate the practises until they become part of your habitual daily routine.

• Internal submission and emotional processing. Allow yourself to fully experience each and every negative emotion that you feel. Submit to it totally. Close your eyes and allow yourself to breathe into the emotion. Stay completely present with the emotion. Set aside 15 – 20 minutes to do this, particularly when you are experiencing a strong emotion. Notice than when suffering is taking place, there is always a keen desire that is not being fulfilled, a desire for things to be other than they are.
• Who am I? Ask yourself throughout the day "Who is perceiving this?". "Who is perceiving the air rising in and out of my lungs?". "Who is perceiving the thoughts running through my mind?". "Who am I?" This is a spiritual practise that yields a gradual effect, it will not happen overnight.
• Spinning. Raise each of your arms. Spin counterclockwise, from left to right. Start slowly, pick up speed towards the middle, and slow down towards the end. Spin full circle twelve times, with your visual focus on your right hand. Repeat 3 sets of this activity. This increases circulation of the blood, increase the rate at which your chakras are spinning and heightens the amount of energy running through your body.
• Replace a meal with a green smoothie. I recommend one banana, one kiwi, a large handful of spinach, a small handful of fresh mint, a small handful of parsley blended together with some unsweetened soy or coconut milk. A green smoothie is full of vital nutrients and antioxidants, and is very easy to digest. On an energy level, the greens are full of life energy. When the body does not have to use all its energy in the process of digestion, you accelerate the energy available for higher spiritual processes. This technique produces a great increase in mental clarity, improvement in mood and feelings of joy, heightened energy levels and general feeling of well-being.
• Physical postures and breathing exercises. Work out a 5 or 10 minute yoga routine which you perform every morning or evening. This will help the health of the body, and the flow of energy through the body.
• Service. Engage in activities which give you the opportunity to help others.
• Transmutation of Sexual Energy. Whenever you the feel the sexual urge, take a moment to sit, and breathe the energy up the spine and into your head. Breath in, and feel the energy rise, allow this to bring you to an ecstatic state. Then sit and peacefully breathe with the energy. Avoid losing sexual fluids, and instead channel the energy up your spine.
• Frustrated desire. Whenever your desire is frustrated in some way, and you feel a negative emotion as a result, this is an opportunity for spiritual transformation. Allow yourself to sit quietly, breathing deeply into the emotion, noticing how you may wish to change it in some way.

8 Months of Advanced Yoga Practises

First Update: 8 months of meditation and advanced yoga practices

My experience of using AYP practices: techniques for spiritual transformation

I commenced practice of AYP (http://www.aypsite.org/) in August 2010. AYP contains a series of extremely powerful meditative spiritual practices, that are open to all people regardless of religion, and ultimately lead towards a transcendent, blissful awakened state of consciousness. These are the tools that enable one to become like Jesus, Buddha or any other of the enlightened spiritual masters, to follow in their foot-steps, and live a transformed, loving, compassionate and awakened life. Everyone has this longing in their heart for a transformed existence, and AYP provides the vehicle for transformation.

The length of practice has varied a little, but since August 2010 I have done (twice daily):

· AYP Deep meditation. (http://www.aypsite.org/13.html) – 20 minutes twice daily.

· AYP Spinal Breathing Pranayama. (http://www.aypsite.org/41.html) – 5 minutes twice daily.

After 6 months experience, I have no doubt that AYP is one of the most powerful tools I have ever encountered to facilitate spiritual transformation. I have tried various types of meditation

What does AYP do?

AYP activates kundalini energy. This occurs through the spinal breathing pranayama technique. Kundalini is a powerful, divine energy that lies latent with each of us. The energy storehouse is physically located at the base of the spine. AYP’s spinal breathing pranayama raises kundalini up the spine, up through the nervous system and into the brain. As the energy moves up through the body, in results in spiritual transformation. The expression of this spiritual transformation is multi-faceted and ranges from a rising level of ecstasy and joy, to greatly increased love and compassion for others and heightened intuition and brain functioning.

AYP fosters deep inner silence. The deep meditation practice is like a doorway into an ocean of peace and calm. It leads to us become increasingly stable and centered in the present moment, and frees us from being trapped in a stream of continual emotional reactions of life. It allows us to no longer be controlled by fear, anger or other emotions.

The Benefits I’ve Experienced

I am open minded and I am also a skeptic. I was ready to entertain AYP, however I formed no beliefs about whether it was or wasn’t true. A resonance of truth struck me through Yogani’s words (he is the author of AYP) particularly as he makes it all available for free, and doesn’t try to sell it to you. I also had something inside me which strongly guided me to it, giving me an urge to try it. I decided the best way to approach it was to try it and find out for myself.

Having tried multiple meditation techniques, I have some basis for comparison. The AYP experience was very different.

· Ecstatic experience. Within about 2 months of twice daily practice, I began to have ecstatic experiences whilst meditating, and during the day following meditation. By this I mean a feeling of joyous pleasure running through my entire body. It gives me a feeling like I want to sigh with happiness and satisfaction. This feeling will often last for an entire day. This has been an incredible part of the experience, sometimes I’m overwhelmed with joy and ecstasy from this feeling.

· Remission of depression. For my entire life, I’ve suffered from periods of intense depression. Oftentimes, this could be suicidal. However, typically it would express itself as just having a few hours of the day when I felt a bit low and worn out. It’s odd because overall, I’m a very positive person, my relationships with people are great, I’m successful in my career, I take time to help others, I exercise 5 times a week, I’m very healthy and have an extremely healthy diet. Despite doing all the right things, I’d still get these phases of very intense depression. With AYP, this completely disappeared in the first two months, and was replaced by an ecstatic current of joy. I suddenly felt as though a deep longing had been fulfilled. This hasn’t been completely permanent, the ecstatic experience comes and goes, and sometimes I’ve experienced more depression, but generally my emotions are greatly uplifted by my spiritual practice.

· Energy. Since doing AYP I’ve had much greater levels of physical and mental energy. I used to have a point after lunch (around 2 or 3pm) where I’d become very sleepy and unable to concentrate. After about 3 months of AYP my ability to concentrate has improved, I never get sleepy during the day, and I have a much more balanced energy level from morning to evening.

· Desire to serve and morality. Gradually over the past 6 months of AYP, a strong desire to serve others arose. I started volunteering in the Bronx and around Manhattan in projects to help people who needed it. In addition an increasingly strong sense of morality has arisen. I’m not perfect, but there’s a much stronger desire to do good and be good, and a much stronger internal sense of what is wrong and what I should not do. My morals are now coming from my heart, instead of my social conditioning or by accepting the beliefs that are spoon fed by others. I don’t need anyone to tell me what is right, and what is not, I already know in my heart.

· Loss of fear. There has been a huge decline in the amount of fear that I’ve experience. I feel a lot less concern about the ups and downs of life, I tend to feel “come what may, I can deal with it”.

· Loss of attachment. One of the very enjoyable things that began to occur during AYP practice was a significant decrease in my level of attachment. What do I mean by attachment? It’s the desire for things to be a particular way, that your mind conceives. The desire to have money, and the suffering when you don’t have it. The desire to look good, and the suffering when you have a bad hair day or get a pimple. The desire to be treated with love and respect, and the suffering when people are unkind to you. These are examples. My mind has released, to some extent, it’s controlling grasp on life, constantly trying to impose its concept of how things should be, and suffering when life fails to match that concept. So for example, things can go badly, but I still find I am happy.

· Massive decrease in addictive or compulsive behaviors. A lot of unbalanced behaviors, such as drinking until the point of drunkenness, or other activities which result in only transitory pleasure, have started to fall away. With the ecstatic experience inside me, there was a lot less need for pleasure from external sources.

That’s most of it for now. Have I become enlightened? Not yet. Have I experienced dramatic changes in my life that encourage me to keep going? Yes, certainly.

The Challenges Encountered

The greatest challenge that I’ve met stems from my own desire for escapism and avoidance of pain. I’ve always had a tendency to retreat, to retreat into myself, to retreat into books and reading, to anaesthetize myself with alcohol or worse, and when I was a child, to retreat into my bedroom and not want to go out. To create my own little world, safe from the outside. As very sensitive person I have always found, and in some ways, still find, the world a very painful place, full of suffering and hurt. So when the inner ecstasy arose, and I started to feel so joyous and full of pleasurable energy, it was like a breath of fresh air given to a man who was drowning.

I clung to it. I didn’t want to engage the outside world at all, I’d found a boundless source of ecstasy that came from within, and I quickly lost all desire to do anything. It was good enough just to sit around and experience this intense joy and ecstatic experience inside me. Resting in contemplation of the inner ecstasy was so pleasant, that I’d avoid stressful experiences that might shake me from my peaceful contemplation.

I’d also much prefer to meditate and activate this ecstasy, than to face my emotions. Strangely enough, I found negative emotions could co-exist with the ecstatic experience. I could go from a joyous Samadhi into an anger outburst. Rather than deal with what I was feeling, I’d just escape into meditation.

I knew something was wrong. There was a wounded and hungry part of myself that was desperately needing the ecstasy, fearful that this respite from suffering might only be temporary, and seething with an agonized desire to finally end its suffering. Emotions started to arise, mainly deep depressions and feelings of sadness. I unconsciously started to fall back into addictive pleasure-seeking behaviors, like drinking too much alcohol, seeking ego gratification, eating unhealthy foods like chocolate.

The ecstasy from meditation also started to decline (this began in late December), and the more it declined, the more I found my addictive behaviors coming back. More and more strong negative emotions started to well up, whereas before I’d spent entire weeks or months feeling blissfully free of such feelings.

I felt like my life’s storm clouds had temporarily parted, allowing a brief ray of sunshine from heaven to fall upon me, before closing and leaving me cold, wretched and without illumination. The depression welled up, and peaked with an intense desire for suicide. I contemplated various ways of doing this, but it’s harder than it sounds.

There was no longer a choice, AYP meditation had stopped bringing joy, and only seemed to heighten my despair. I realized that I must sit down and just face my emotions. Over a period of a few days, the internal resolution became immensely strong to face my suffering, and I sat, with my eyes closed, breathing in and out, allowing my attention to rest completely within my despair, and everything taking place within and without, in the present moment. I’d stress, this is not a meditation, it’s a technique, which is extremely grounding. I learned to allow myself to fully experience intense negative emotions like this, through doing The Presence Process, which was written my Michael Brown.

I spent a few days doing this, allowing my resistance to these feelings to become gradually broken down. In this manner, the storm passed, and I became stronger inside than I was before. The ecstasy is now returning to my meditations, but this time I’ve retained my interest in the outside world. I’m still able to motivate myself to work, and I no longer cling to the ecstatic experience by avoiding difficult or stressful activities.

I learned an important lesson, that spiritual practice must be grounded, and should not be used as a means to avoid facing the world.

Dealing with Worry

I can be a bit of a worrier sometimes. I don’t choose to, sometimes a worried feeling just comes, followed by a ton of “worst case scenario” type thoughts. I’ve found a great way of turning it around.

I start imagining myself coping with the worst case scenario in a really strong way. I imagine how negative emotions can often be helpful to shake you from inertia, and get you to take actions in your life. I imagine all the positive actions I would take to improve the situation, and everything that I could learn from dealing with it. I imagine myself coming through the worst of it, and then thriving more than I was before.

Every time this gives the worries in my heart the message that: whatever happens, I will use my creativity, inspiration and intelligence to change and improve the situation. I am not powerless and I have nothing to fear.

Suffering and Spiritual Progress

I have noticed that the experience of suffering makes us kind and indulgent toward others because it is suffering that draws us near to God. - Saint Therese

We all have our own buttons, and if you look closely at your life, you can see patterns in the situations that cause you to react with fear, anger and grief. I've personally always been too sensitive, particularly to unkind words from others, and by the time I reached adolescence, I was living in an inner hell, completely lost and confused in my own grief and anger. This great weight of suffering was the grace that drove me to look inward and observe my mental and emotional processes dispassionately, without identification.

We live in a world that runs from suffering. We run from it into sex, alcohol, drugs, entertainment, work... in some cases suicide. For most people, without periodic escape, whether that be into mindless television or heroin injections, I think it would be hard to retain sanity. There is such tragedy in the world, and in the heart of each person, the only thing most people can do is try to shut down, not feel it, not think about it, forget it.

“You see it, Igby? I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me. It's constantly coming down on me. It's crushing me.” - Jason, Igby’s Father, who is having a psychological breakdown. From the movie “Igby Goes Down”.

When we are forced to suffer, unwillingly, it can beget a cynical attitude to life, or worse - mental breakdown or suicide. However if we look at the lives of many saints, we see people who turned around and embraced suffering, who willingly underwent suffering. People who were filled with love of god and compassion for others, who suffered but were not cynical because of it. Look at Jesus, Saint Therese, Ghandi… I asked myself, what does this mean?

“Suffering cheerfully endured, ceases to be suffering and is transmuted into an ineffable joy.” - Ghandi

A while ago, some years before I discovered AYP, I read and implemented what I learned from a book called The Presence Process. It taught me how to suffer willingly. It was agony. My life became unbearable as I opened the inner floodgates and allowed suffering to consume me. However looking back, the suffering, willingly embraced, transformed me. In many places within my heart, where once there was personal pain, there is now stillness, a stillness that is full of compassion for others due to the knowledge of how it feels to suffer. Compassion seems to me to be like “suffering felt for others joyfully with intent to help”.

Furthermore, it put a kind of strength or determination inside me, which has given me the motivation toward spiritual progress, enlightenment.

So this post is really on a practical note, sorry to bore you with the life story, but I felt like it put things in context. Yogani touches on this in the bhakti lesson (www.aypsite.org), to continue from what he says, I find it really helpful to pray when I suffer, and/or self inquire. For me, it’s my most important spiritual practice outside of meditation and spinal breathing, to use my suffering constructively.

This post is for anyone who might stumble across it, feeling depressed, or hurt, or angry or upset.

Here are a few practical techniques to make a good use of unavoidable suffering:

1 - Just feel. I begin with closing my eyes, breathing in and out, deeply and slowly into my stomach, and just allowing myself to feel the suffering. Notice everything about what is being felt inside. Is there a feeling of suffering AND a feeling of resistance to suffering? A feeling of not wanting to suffer? Allow yourself to easily notice what is taking place, without resistance, give it the full attention of your heart, and allow your mind to be silent. Drop the stories, the accusations, just feel.

Emotional pain, resulting from unkindness from others can be, paradoxically, one of the greatest fuels on the planet for spiritual progress. There’s the Western/Christian concept of humility bringing one closer to God - “The meek shall inherit the earth’, then there’s the Eastern/Hindu/Buddhist concept of no-self and the ego. It seems to me that there’s a link between these two concepts. When we watch our own suffering with our quiet awareness, without retaliating or saying anything at all, we just quietly bear it and take it to a private place so we can willingly experience it fully, the ego is gradually melted away, and we increase in humility. You find where once there was a concept of a Self to defend, a concept of a Self who is being hurt by the other person/or life's misfortunes, there is now just quiet, compassionate awareness. I hope that one day I may reach the point where even if someone says the cruelest thing to me they can imagine, their words just fall on quiet, compassionate, attentive awareness - and cause not a stir of concern for myself.

2 - Prayer. I use something like “Dear Lord, allow me to make use of this suffering. Help me willingly feel it, even though there is desire not to feel it. Allow it to purify me. Allow it to humble me. Let me suffer this for you.” Whatever feels right for you. Often energy will shoot up my spine and I feel joy after this. The suffering continues when I’m still resistant to it, if I’m trying to use prayer as a method to control it, and to shut down. If that’s the case for you, it’s ok. Just gently return to feeling it again, and to feeling your resistance. Don’t struggle with it. If it’s just too much to take, read a book, or go for a run, whatever, come back to it later.

3 - Self Inquiry. Most of our suffering is in the sense of being a separate self. We believe “something is being done to us”. I’ve been reading the AYP Self-Inquiry book and there are some very good guidelines in here for self inquiry. When I feel myself getting angry with or judging others, I like to ask “is this anger rooted in truth?” (i.e. am I really separate from them? Who is judging and who is being judged?).

Every moment as an opportunity for awakening

“We are like dogs chasing their own tails, the only difference is, dogs have more fun.”

Michael Brown (Presence Process author)

I’d like to share some truths that God has helped to realize. I was reading “To Be Victorious” by Paramahansa Yogananda recently, in which he said each desire is followed by the Siamese twins of false happiness and sorrow. Sorrow arises whenever we are denied anything we desire - whether it’s a desire for good health, a particular house/home, new clothes, a partner, (etc). False happiness arises temporarily whenever a desire is fulfilled. I read this during a day in which I was experiencing my desires being frustrated.

I woke up during the early hours of the morning, somewhere around 3am, 4am, with this immense feeling of energy in my solar plexus. It felt like something was being pulled out of me, it was a sense of being purged. After this moment had passed, I saw that I am like the dog chasing its tail, except I am not having as much fun. I saw this infinite string of desires running back into my personal history. I found infinite instances of false happiness soon after the fulfillment of a desire, infinite instances of sorrow when my desire was not fulfilled.

God showed me that not a single one of my fulfilled desires has ever brought me lasting happiness. I can’t remember even a fraction of the numerous desires I’ve experienced! Yet the body-mind unconsciously pursues its unending series of desires.

I feel as though every moment is an opportunity for awakening on some level, particularly those moments in which we suffer. If you make a practices of turning to your suffering and feeling it, willingly suffering, or if you can’t willingly suffer, willingly experience your unwillingness to suffer and your suffering intermingled, something good often happens.

My desire now increasingly becomes for non-duality, for God, for the end of desires, and my prayers are to this effect every time I experience frustrated desire. I don’t really know what those concepts mean and I can’t say what this ‘desire to end desires’ leads to, but certainly I am feeling more peaceful today than I did yesterday!

Haiku

Siren echoes

Cold rain on pavements

Autumn in New York.

- Joshua Anderson